So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
