We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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