question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
