He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
