your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
