Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
