I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
