Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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