Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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