Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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