this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
i think i have two assholes
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
