Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
The uberlube is also flammable
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
