I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
