Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
