I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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