So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
