Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
