If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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