I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
