i jhust puked up my retainher.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
