I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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