We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
