My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
