I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
