She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
