god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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