Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
