Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
