I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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