At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I want to fling myself into the sun
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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