Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
