Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
