Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize