new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
