The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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