Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
