Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
