when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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