I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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