he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize
