Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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