Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
