My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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