The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
