Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I believe in your delicious
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
