Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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