I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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