last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
