Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
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