Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
