Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
