did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
