i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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