she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
