The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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