I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i was born a porn star she said
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Is her dick bigger than yours?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize