I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize