I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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