Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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