Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
