If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
worst night to have a conscience
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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