I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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