i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
