Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
