Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
